Rather than rewriting my story daily, I spent the last few weeks taking it apart instead. Every day I’d take an honest look inside, pick some scary old story that triggered me in some way, then journal about it in private until I wasn’t afraid anymore.
The more I did that, the less I felt the need to write a new story in its place. The less stories in my head, the less things stand between myself and how things actually are. The less stories in my head, the more clearly I should be able to see.
And the truth is, I do feel like I can see much more clearly now. I can see how my need to meet everyone’s conflicting expectations traces back to my childhood, and how it influenced everything I ever did. I realized how I’m using work as a means of escape, keeping myself busy to avoid the parts of myself I don’t want to look at. I learned how I get addicted to drama as a means of seeking attention which I’d mistaken for self-worth. I discovered I’m still trying to prove myself worthy, cause deep down inside there’s a part of me who only thinks that I’m worthy when I’m winning at absolutely everything.
I learned to trust the process a little bit more and try to control it all a little bit less.
But after following this process for a while, now comes the question: so what?
I’ve let go of all these things, now what do I want to put in their place? Will I put anything in their place knowing it’s an approximation at best and a wild delusion at worst? Will I share anything with other people knowing I might change my mind tomorrow?
I can’t count the times I thought I came up with something profound, only to find it foolish and naive on the next day. The faster I learn, the faster I find the gaps in what I previously thought. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been 5 different people in just a single week.
Knowing this, is there any point in sharing anything with the world? Or maybe it’s the process that matters rather than any particular thoughts? Maybe it doesn’t matter if I change my mind and make a fool out of myself again, as long as I stay vulnerable and honest and create space where everyone else can get honest and vulnerable too?
I started writing this post hoping it would come to some conclusion, but all I found was more questions. Maybe that’s part of the process too.