Made in Cosmos

1. Think of the most honest thing you can possibly come up with.
2. Write it down.
3. Repeat.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

Jed McKenna calls it Spiritual Autolysis. Many Catholic and Sufi mystics have been working with this kind of process. I told my husband about it today for the first time.

“So, kinda like your blog?”

I never really thought about my blog this way, but now that he’s said it out loud, this makes perfect sense.

I’ve been blogging daily for a year. Looking back, the most important things I wrote were the most personal ones, about depression and alcohol, yoyo dieting and trusting my body, processing guilt and shame, and confronting my own mortality. Every single time I felt like I said too much. Every single time someone said it touched them deeply.

Standing still

I have many more stories to tell. They’re too painful and heartbreaking to even think about. I know I’ll get there one day, and this certainly isn’t going to be easy.

But there are stories that want to be shouted out loud, even if no one is listening. Maybe they’re going to help someone. Maybe not. All I can do is to share as much as I can at this moment. And the next. And the next.

I only wrote a few painfully honest pieces this year

The rest were ideas and tools I found helpful, calligraphy of great quotes, poems, and other kinds of art. I’m especially surprised by the poems. I hadn’t written any since high school, and I have no idea why it took me so long.

Torch

Now that the year is over, and I’ve re-read almost everything I wrote, I can see that I learned most when raw, naked, and heartbroken, talking about my deepest wounds. Maybe someone else learned from it too. Maybe not. All I can do is to sing my song with all the courage I can muster.

I have friends around the world working with a version of this process

They’re all both excited and terrified. Going where it hurts most and feeling all the things is almost a full-time job. It feels almost impossible to maintain a full-time job while doing this.

Some of my friends weren’t able to. I thought I’d be next many times.

All I can do is to do my best for as long as I can.

I am neither Jed McKenna nor Saint Faustina

I wouldn’t want to do it his or her way. But now that I’ve been blogging daily for a year and it changed me, I have no choice but to continue rewriting my story daily.

Kinda the same thing as they did, but make it art.

Full-blown prophets

Cheers to Mayryanna & Mayela who came up with this idea, and to everyone who supported us in the process.

It’s been a wild, beautiful ride.